Getting Back on Track

     I have been slacking the last several months regarding writing here. I was doing good with my eating and losing weight for a while there though. I hadn't lost all I wanted when I went on vacation but was working my way down. Then I went on vacation and that was my green light to eat.

     I did gain a little weight while on vacation but lost that not long after I returned to my normal life. But then about a week after I returned home, things in life became very stressful and there have been many changes. They are temporary changes but have had poor results.

     I am not a person to eat when I get depressed but, when I am stressed I do eat. I have been extremely stressed the last few weeks. I eat more than I should and do not get exercise like I should.

     I keep telling myself I will get on track tomorrow. Well tomorrow is here and I am going to get back on track, no more excuses.

     I plan to keep my eating journal and write down every calorie I put into my body. I will keep them under 1000 for the first week. Then I will work up to 1200 calories. I just want to shrink my stomach at first though.

     I might not start my exercise program yet because well, there are too many people around all the time and my wii is buried behind stuff. Plus my joints are so achy that I need to feel better first. But soon as I can I will get on a program again.

     So, I will try to write here once a day, if not at least once a week. And so as Peter Pan says....Here we go.....

Week Two Ends With Reflections

Week two has come to an end and well, losing weight is not going as good as I hoped. It is discouraging sometimes. I lost only one more pound and that is not what I want.

I think more than the weight though I need to become healthier mentally. Mental health and love of self is more important than losing weight. However my weight is one of the reasons I hate myself. It is such a quandary.

So as I reflect, I think of how I get  to a place in my life where I am happy with myself again. I don't tolerate other people's judgement regarding appearance, I love people for their inner beauty yet I can't see beyond my outer appearance to get to my inner beauty. That is where I really need to get healthy.

A friend of mine and I were talking the other day about how we would not be with a man who did not love us while we are over weight but yet loved us once we lost weight. I am the same person either way. The more I think of that, the more I think that I am the same inside but yet maybe I am not. The one way that I am not the same person is that I do not like myself nor do I have any confidence because my appearance disgusts me.

I actually walk by a mirror and want to cry. It is not just my weight, it is everything. My wrinkles, my grey hair and well my face. All of me makes me sad. I see ugly and that is what I need to get past because I know that I am a caring and loving person. Inside I am not ugly.

I used to see ugly in the mirror but when I looked at pictures I saw that there was outer beauty to me, That was a time when I had more confidence in myself. But the last year or so all I can see is the ugly. So, that said I need to get past that and find the beauty in myself that I know some people see. That beauty might come from getting back to a more comfortable weight and in the end yes I am the same person inside, heavy or thin. The difference however is how I view myself and the person that I see.

My goal now is not only losing pounds to find a healthier weight but to become healthier mentally too.

Week One Has Come to an End

Well my first week of eating healthier and trying to drop some weight is done. I feel like I was starved some of the time while others I felt satisfied. The end result though has been one whole pound lost. I am very disappointed in those results.

So that said I plan to really step it up this week. I will start using my wii fit and begin really cutting down more on food. I cut down to below 1000 calories most days but think maybe I have not been drinking enough water either.

I hope that my next report brings better results than one tiny little pound.

Day 2:Great Strides!

Today I did great, I stayed under 1000 calories! I am very proud of myself. I was thinking that it might be better to update every week because well, there isn't much to say every day except I did great, I feel proud of myself and I am starving ha ha.

I know once my stomach shrinks I will not be as hungry and will be used to less food. This first week though is hard.

I did not exercise yet because well, no time. I will soon get on the ball.

Off to bed I go.

Day 1

Well today was day 1 of getting healthy. I did good and did not eat junk food. Well, I did have a few chips but hey, if I don't have a few I will have a lot one day and blow everything.

I avoided sweets, my sugary sweet was a mandarin orange. They are sweet/tangy and delicious. I also had a few chocolate covered Acai berries but only a few.

My calorie count stayed under 1000 so I think I did a great job today.

My lunch if made for work tomorrow so I won't have much room for error.

I did not exercise today because my head has been hurting but hopefully tomorrow it will feel better so I can begin exercising too. I'm not too worried about that end of it all yet. I want to shrink my stomach right now most of all.

I will report in tomorrow too. I am not saying what I weigh though. I am a female and that is just not what we do.

Coming to Terms With Losing My Outer Beauty

     I think one of the hardest things I've had to deal with regarding my own feeling of self is the loss of my outer beauty.  I think that coming to terms with my appearance and such is another way to the road to a healthier me. I need to be ok and healthy with what I look like and love myself for the person I am inside.

     When I was younger I was attractive. I was told that I was very pretty even though I never really thought I was that much to look at. I did however notice that I was photogenic and did not mind my picture being taken. Even when I felt ugly I thought I looked good in pictures. I know, strange right...but that is how I felt. I saw a different person in the mirror most of the time than the camera saw. But looking back I was attractive.

     One of my best features was my smile. I had straight teeth and a nice smile. That is gone, I have had to get some of my teeth pulled which has messed up my smile. It is not pretty anymore ant that has been a hard thing for me to give up.

     I am also very overweight so I know that changes how my face looks but I don't think it changes it much. I am getting older, wrinkled and well just not a beauty anymore.  I used to turn heads of guys, now they don't give me a second glance. To say none of this bothers me would be a lie. It is hard to realize that you are no longer attractive and that your outer beauty is going away. It is just not an easy pill to swallow.

     So my battle is to accept that outer beauty does not last forever, it fails us. The person we are inside is the beauty that must shine through. That is still rough when the mirror is your enemy but somehow a person has to find that inner beauty in themselves. I must find that inner beauty in myself. I must get past losing my outer beauty. I must realize that it is not important.

     What is funny is that I see other people who are maybe even heavier than I am, I see them as beautiful. I do not see their weight as a hindrance to their beauty. Maybe that is because I see their inner beauty and it shines above all else. I also see people with more wrinkles than I have as beautiful.

     My goal now along with getting to a comfortable weight is to find a way to accept the loss of my outer beauty and let the inner beauty of my soul shine through for in the end that is all we have left anyhow.
   

I'm Back

    Sometimes it only takes looking at yourself in a video to make you realize that it is time to get on the ball and make some changes. I have to tape my student teaching for my supervisor and when I viewed the video I did not like what I saw. I have not been happy with my weight for a long time but the last couple of years I have actually been disgusted that I have let myself get this huge.  It is not comfortable at all and it is in my control to change things.

     I have lost weight since the last time I wrote here but not what I want to have off. It is harder as I  get older but I know how to do it and it is time to get on the ball. I have been up and down for several months and now I want to go down.

     So my goal is to eat healthier, eat less and exercise more. I plan to lose at least 15 lbs by my birthday in May. Then from there I will set a goal. I think setting short term goals might work best. I hope to lose a pound a week but it would be great to lose about 10 the first couple of weeks.

     I don't plan on calling this a diet, that is a horrible word that seems to make people eat more...at least it works that way for me. So this is my journey to a body I am comfortable in by eating better.

     I will not starve myself or deprive myself completely of the foods I love. What works best for me is to count calories. I will have to be diligent and count every one of them for it to work but calorie counting is the key.

     I plan to exercise too. That part is not easy when you are super busy but I need to find a way.

     Let the journey begin............